Inside the Real 2011 Detroit Auto Show

Day 1. Monday, January 10, 2011. 5:45 a.m.

It's 11 degrees Fahrenheit outside. We're lucky: There's parking on the Cobo roof, meaning we can take elevators down to the main floor. All other options require a walk that varies from "long" to "really long."

We park next to a Teamster. "I can't friggin' beeeliiieeeve it!" the Teamster says. "I friggin' work here, and I gotta pay!" We commiserate, because that's how you get along with Teamsters.

Between 5,000 and 6,000 members of the world's automotive press are streaming into Cobo Center in downtown Detroit for the North American International Auto Show (NAIAS), the mack daddy of the breed.

The elevator doors dump us into the grand lobby of the arena. The smell of new carpet and enamel paint overwhelms, as long as you're not standing too close to someone eating a chili dog or the nicotine junkies huddled just outside the facility's glass front doors.

This is the 23rd year the "I" has been included in the NAIAS, and this year things look even more international than ever. Game time. The first press conference will roll in 30 minutes. We'd better hustle if we're going to get a seat.

Dogs, Legs, Porsches and Gandhi
As we enter the hall, we're pleased to see that one Cobo trademark remains, and one thankfully does not: After September 11, handlers and bomb-sniffing dogs were stationed at the entrance to sniff journalists and their bags. But that first year, it appears all the real bomb-sniffing dogs were taken, and we'd swear the dogs were just mutts borrowed from the pound and clad in official-looking vests. Snoopy was at that door, Marmaduke at this door, Lassie down the hall. They'd sniff, then often pee.

The other trademark remains, and that's good: Leggy models stand by the entrance door and actively pass out breath mints. They do that early in the day, at least. By 10 a.m., they simply stand there and hold the box of mints — want one, help yourself. By noon they have typically wandered away, having given up on sweetening journalist breath.

That said, there's a big, big crowd for the unveiling of the Porsche 918 RSR, the hybrid racecar painted a trendy, knockout silver and orange, which suggests that a bunch of Porsche 924s and 914s and probably some Honda Civics might be silver and orange as soon as an appointment with Maaco can be secured. Looks great.

At 6:30 a.m., the press conference begins, (we're standing) and it sets the tone for nearly every other one to come today — 23 of them, if you count everything. This in itself is amazing: During the golden years, these press conferences stretched out over three days, with Sunday starting out with a couple of "informal" conferences, then Sunday was co-opted as an official day. The NAIAS management compressed virtually all the news-making conferences into one day, Monday, leaving poor Volvo to anchor Tuesday as the only semi-major OEM.

Anyway, the Porsche press conference begins with a Stentorian voice of the sort that makes you assume everything a voice like that says is important, and then there is ear-splitting, booming music with lots of bass and too little cowbell. The car rolls out to applause. This, however, is a delicate moment: Real, jaded, cynical journalists would not applaud Mother Teresa introducing Gandhi leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Consequently, the audience must be packed with company sycophants, who join easily identified, green-rookie journalists in applauding. The level of applause does not relate to the quality of the product — the Pontiac Aztek was met with a thunderous ovation, courtesy of University of Michigan students hired to clap.

Once the applause dies, a company executive appears to speak directly from the heart, otherwise known as reading from a teleprompter.

This is also the time that the single most remarkable event occurs at every press conference: Hundreds of photographers jostle and jockey for position the instant the vehicle is revealed, because for reasons no one can explain, a photo taken of the Porsche 918 RSR at the exact second of its unveiling — 6:39.08 a.m. — is invaluable, while a photo taken, say, two minutes later that might actually be sharp and properly framed, is useless. Video photographers elbow still photographers, and one pushy shooter is screamed at for spoiling some shots. This will be a long day.

Once the applause dies, a company executive appears to speak directly from the heart, otherwise known as reading from a teleprompter. Or, in the case of Porsche, three teleprompters. Later, Ford would have a record-setting seven teleprompters, as if to rub the competitions' collective noses in how well the company is doing. The speeches all sound the same, even if we would hear them shaded in American, British, German, Italian, French, Japanese, Chinese and Korean accents: Our current products are great, but these new products — man, we cannot tell you how really great they are, though we will over the next 20 minutes.

Press Kits, eBay and Hurley Haywood
Immediately following the press conference, there used to be a tradition that has now fallen by the wayside: The Lunging for Press Kits. Journalists, especially European ones, would attack the table where the press kits on the particular vehicle were distributed, as distribution never began until the precise last second of the final executive's speech, otherwise we'd all grab one and walk away before the conference ended.

Press kits contained photos, slides and printed material about the car. Not only did press kits give journalists a tangible, hold-it-in-your hand keepsake, it gave them something to sell later on eBay. How much do some journalists miss press kits? Ask the guy in Ohio who is trying to sell a 1978 Chevrolet Corvette press kit on eBay for the buy-it-now price of $249. Now, we get thumb drives. Yes, they are easier to pack, but resale value sucks.

Following the Porsche press conference, we mill about, as there is really nowhere to go for an hour or so. We are surprised to see that Roger Penske and racers Derek Bell, Hurley Haywood and Brian Redman got up early to be here. We sadly inform them: No press kits.

We've spent a lot of time on the Porsche press conference to give you an idea of how these things work. All the rest follow the same approximate template. One ends, and you look at your map on the back of the schedule and begin making your way to the next one, which is typically about 7 miles away. Two words to remember: comfortable shoes.

Unemployment, NACTOY and Ed Begley, Jr.
Next we're off to the official opening ceremonies, where the dealer-committee chairman reminds us that Detroit has become quite the location for TV shows and feature films, allowing him the opportunity to tell us, at least twice, that the auto show is "the feel-good movie of the year!" The notion that the industry dodged a bullet is prevalent here, unless you talk to those people who the bullet actually hit. Michigan's unemployment rate is still 12.4 percent and most of downtown Detroit looks like it's expecting Snake Plissken to arrive at any moment.

Immediately we move to the North American Car and Truck of the Year, where the Chevrolet Volt beats the Nissan Leaf and Hyundai Sonata, and the Ford Explorer beats the Dodge Durango and Jeep Grand Cherokee. Nobody is really surprised. The homeless guy sleeping in the shelter down the street could've called that one.

Upstairs to Chrysler which, by still existing, has beaten the odds many people gave it at the 2008 show. Then over to Buick, where we learn that it's the fastest-growing car company in the U.S. We learn this by reading the teleprompter a split-second before the executive-of-the-moment announces it — that's a habit we need to break.

Even when it was struggling, Ford insisted that simply having the press conference at its exhibit wasn't suitable, and commandeered Cobo Arena, where we sit stadium-style and look down at the action on the floor, wishing it was a basketball or hockey game instead. This year, there are three huge ramps up at our level, down which new vehicles will drive onto the floor. They are mostly Focus and C-Max variants and the Escape replacement, though the seven-passenger C-Max evidently wouldn't start, and never came down the ramp, leaving Vice President Derrick Kuzak to improvise. In the distance, we could almost hear the splash where the Ford employee responsible for the C-Max driving down the ramp was pitched into the Detroit River.

As the presentation neared its end, we were shown a 5-minute video starring noted environmentalist, vegan and composter Ed Begley, Jr., praising the virtues of the Ford products; Begley evidently having been coaxed into jumping his traditional electric Toyota RAV4 ship. Begley co-starred with cartoon butterflies, as he rather snarkily took potshots at the Chevrolet Volt and Nissan Leaf in comparing them with upcoming Ford products, leaving many of us to suggest out loud: Shouldn't Ford take those potshots after it builds something comparable, and better? Then thousands of blue-and-white paper butterflies began falling on the audience, which was just precious until we looked up and saw meaty Teamster hands tossing the butterflies out through holes in the ceiling. Several journalists were seen scraping up paper butterflies off the floor. Surely these must be worth something on eBay.

Then came Volkswagen, where, instead of cowbells, we enjoyed the melodious sounds of men banging on steel drums, which is so 2003. Then Volkswagen revealed the Passat replacement, which it unexpectedly named the Passat.

Germans, Italians and Priuses
Off to Mercedes-Benz, where singer Colbie Calliat warbled her 2007 hit "Bubbly," before Mercedes unveiled the CLS, and an electric SLS E-Cell, which immediately won the "Best Chartreuse Car" award, or would have if one existed.

Next up was BMW, where we missed the arrival of gold-medal-winning Olympic swimmer Natalie Coughlin, who was driven onto the stage in the 2012 BMW 650i convertible. Coughlin later revealed exclusively to USA Today that she would "like to drive one," which is why so many of us rely heavily on USA Today.

Why did we miss it? Because as we passed the Chrysler booth en route to BMW, we noticed Fiat and Chrysler CEO Sergio Marchionne (sweater color: gray!) holding a press conference that, apparently, only "electronic journalists" planning to file for the noon newscast were invited to. Security was inadequate to kick us out, so we listened to the remarkably, refreshingly candid exec field questions. (About the Jeep Liberty and its sibling, the Dodge Nitro: "We got about 75 percent of the vehicle right — unfortunately for us, we have to sell 100 percent of it.")

Following BMW, Audi, the most self-congratulatory auto company in the world, self-congratulated itself on the new A6 at a press conference attended by the trendiest-looking people at the show, including one spiky-haired guy who we'd swear was wearing stainless-steel contact lenses.

Next up was Toyota, which — like Ford — refuses to hold its press conference at its exhibit, so Toyota appropriates the long, narrow Riverview Ballroom, though there are always enormous curtains hung, so if there is a river view, we've never seen it. Security is especially tight at Toyota press conferences, with guards demanding to see both your credential and your red wristband, to guarantee that only real journalists see the products one split-second before they are live-streamed to the rest of the planet. Toyota showed us a bunch of Prius-based products, stopping just short of a Prius fire truck or a Prius forklift. Clearly, Toyota has decided to go with its strengths, and should it suffer from another likely undeserved runaway-acceleration crisis, at least the new products won't accelerate all that quickly.

Asia and Tesla
Then Honda showed us the all-new Civics, which look a lot like the current Civics, but that isn't such a bad thing. Honda always shows "concepts," thus requiring us to run photos of them, then follows up at another auto show with the actual, near-identical real product, requiring us to run one more round of photos. And we fall for it every time.

Bentley followed, but we couldn't get close enough to see what new car we can never afford that it displayed. Then came Hyundai, which has become almost as cocky as Ford: It showed a neat little Curb concept, and a coupe-ish version of the upcoming Veloster, which has an ingenious three-door design of the sort that (cough) saved Saturn.

Mini, which Scion-like seems more and more in danger of losing the thread, had one of the most peculiar press conferences: After obligatory brand back-patting, it was time to see the Mini Paceman concept, but wait! First, an auto show model named Brandy, which probably narrows down which model we are talking about by half, comes out with a huge white cardboard cartoon thumb on her hand. Narrated by an overly enthusiastic announcer, Brandy is first presented with a flexing muscleman: Big cardboard thumb down. Then a very limber acrobat: Thumb down. Then a sneering pretty boy: Thumb down. Then the Mini Paceman: Thumb up! Interesting that everyone seems to have run out of auto show ideas at the same time.

Tesla then tells us how electricity will save the planet, and hands out Hot Wheels versions of the sports car. Jeep displays the new 2011 Compass, which looks just like the 2011 Grand Cherokee, suggesting the company only had to pay a designer once. Plucky Kia gives us a build-up on how it is bringing back the 1970s Love Van that included everything but Sammy Johns on guitar (look him up), then showed us a sort of vannish SUV thing that featured "recovered teak flooring."

BYD and the Sonic Boom
Then came BYD, which supposedly stands for "Build Your Dreams," and — if you don't count Volvo — was the only Chinese company displaying. This is a genuine reversal from 2008, when the most amusing moments of the NAIAS were from the five Chinese companies here, including the Steve Saleen-led Chamco, and Changfeng, which displayed the Liebao Black Giant, described in the press material as having an "external line that looks more powerful, and the doughty vehicle body model is of clearer cross-country temperament."

So this year it was up to BYD, the company in which press materials eagerly repeat that financier T. Boone Pickens has a stake, to carry the Chinese freight. Early on in the press conference, a rather defensive executive reminded us that some journalist wrote in 2008 that the products were "not ready for prime time." He really must be more specific, because if you Google "Chinese," "vehicles" and "not ready for prime time," you get 129,000 hits. Yet BYD insists its electric and plug-in cars and trucks and buses are more than ready for prime time now, and to prove it, journalists were given an LED lightbulb to try and pack for the plane trip home without breaking. We were also given a "Hair Man Plant," a little white figure that, when "steeped" in water, will grow grass out of its head. BYD and T. Boone Pickens make a strong argument.

By now, it's 6:15 p.m., and we've been at this, without a break, for more than 12 hours. Yet on the way to Chevrolet's showing of vehicles that include the new Sonic, which takes the place of the Aveo, GM having recently discovered that "Aveo" is Korean for "P.O.S.," we are startled to see a model that undeniably deserves the "Best Engineered" award: Her name is Jordan Peek, she is from the Detroit area and she is wearing a silver custom-made vinyl outfit that appears to be so tight that one sip of Perrier and the whole thing explodes.

Did we mention that Jordan Peek is 6 feet, 4 inches tall? And that she is wearing 6-inch heels? When she walks the show floor, there are a couple of keepers from her employer, ZF, on each side of her, "as if they are walking a thoroughbred back to the stable," notes a close associate. We find the outfit just fascinating, and have to ask: It's made of super-stretchy vinyl, comes from a company in Florida (it's the longest one they ever made, we are told), and costs $199, a bargain at triple the price. It is probably important to note that ZF is building a nine-speed automatic transmission. Or not.

After Chevrolet, there's one more press conference with Panasonic, but it doesn't start until 7:30 p.m. Anybody want to stick around? Thought not. We shuffle through multiple dinner invitations, but decide that White Castle and a hot foot-soak sounds pretty good.

Day Two
Aside from Volvo's keep-moving, nothing-to-see-here-folks press conference, the morning is filled with presentations from companies you probably haven't heard of, most of which hope to build vehicles that are both green and sporty, including Li-Ion Motors, Mach 7 Motorsports, Venturi Automobiles and WIKISpeed, which shows a car that resembles a Consulier made from papier-mâché, but it gets 100 mpg. Most of the executives of these companies remain bright-eyed and convinced that you can beat the big manufacturers at their own game. Good for you!

There's also a ZF press conference, but having previewed Jordan Peek, it could only be a disappointment. The rest of the day is spent schmoozing. Next year, the NAIAS needs to either limit conferences to one day, or force some newsmakers to wait until Tuesday, as it seems about 80 percent of the journalists have cleared out by noon.

So, prospective journalists, that's the 2011 North American International Auto Show. It is not too early to ask for media credentials for 2012. By then, our Hair Man Plant will be out of control.